Friday, December 28, 2007

Thursday, December 27, 2007


when life seems to be on a permanent downward spiral, is it crazy to hope for a light at the end of the tunnel? i seem to be treading water 24-7 and when i think i see a lifeboat, it turns out to be a hallucination and i kick myself for the optimism. i have no idea what will happen, but i have to hope for something good. a miracle, an act of God, a twist of fate...

i just hope it comes sooner or later, because i hear that lack of oxygen to the brain is a bad thing and that if air is denied long enough, there is probable brain damage and/or death.

so until then, i'll sit here with nicotine fingers and whiskey breath. on second thought...

Monday, December 24, 2007

tis the season...?

as the insanity of holidays rolls around (again!) and we blow $$ on useless crap, may i remind us all of the "true" meaning of Christmas? the sinister takeover of pagan celebrations and belief system. when we cant force someone to do something, may the Church teach us something of hostile assimilation. the whole organized idea behind this holiday makes me sick, but i would like to encourage those of us who are spiritual (editors note: i intend on differentiation between the term "spiritual" from "religious") to invoke a year-round celebration of our beliefs. do not succumb to capitalistic holiday swill. do not buy crap or drink egg nog or wear ugly reindeer sweaters only around hallmark holidays!


Friday, December 21, 2007

when i need a little pick me up...

oooh, sweet mystery of life at last i've found yooouuuuu!?

so im sitting at the computer, and all i can keep thinking about i how uncertain my future is because i have no idea what to do wih my life? how did the people who know what they wanted to do decide? i am not good at anything enough to make a career of it, nor am i smart enough or talented or driven enough. i dont have any overwhelming desires to do anything in particular, nor do i know of new opportunities available. worst part is, i know how lame i sound- wah wah wah, poor me- but seriously, what am i supposed to do? i have a college degree, so do i find the best paying job and take it, no matter how dead-end, soul-sucking or meaningless? i want to travel, and with an office job i can at least earn a steady paycheck and save and accrue vacation time.... right? i just dont know if i could handle the mundane on a daily basis again.
it seems as though time is running out (hell, it IS runing out!) and id better make a decision before i wake up one day and im 45 with nothing to show. i think im more qualified to be a wallower and wanderer than anything else. is there a job title for that? i think, maybe i should be a writer! and then i remember that i have no drive or follow through to stay with the same story very long. i could be a travel writer, but i have no experience in either writing or travelling. hmm. what else?
it's at this point i develop a life-size migraine and bring the think-tank session to a close. how about i open up the phone lines and take suggestions from callers...

Thursday, December 20, 2007

the sky is grey. the sand is grey. the ocean is grey.

the sky is grey, the sand is grey, and the ocean is grey. i feel right at home in this stunning monochrome, alone in my way. i smoke and i drink and every time i blink i have a tiny dream. but as bad as i am i'm proud of the fact that i'm worse than i seem. what kind of paradise am i looking for? i've got everything i want and still i want more. maybe some tiny shiny thing will wash up on the shore. you walk through my walls like a ghost on tv. you penetrate me and my little pink heart is on its little brown raft floating out to sea. and what can i say but i'm wired this way and you're wired to me, and what can i do but wallow in you unintentionally? what kind of paradise am i looking for? i've got everything i want and still i want more. maybe some tiny shiny key will wash up on the shore. regretfully, i guess i've got three simple things to say. why me? why this now? why this way? overtone's ringing, undertow's pulling away... under a sky that is grey on sand that is grey by an ocean that's grey. what kind of paradise am i looking for? i've got everything i want and still i want more. maybe some tiny shiny key will wash up on the shore.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Dal centro della mia vita venne una grande fontana

"From the center of my life, there came a great fountain..."

In the wake of a life-changing incident, how does one cope? Everything has changed in the way I view the world. From the seat of a wheelchair, it looks even more dismal. I want to say my faith has evolved- grown deeper and stronger and more vibrant, as I see God's hand at work in the "every day"- but it hasn't. Is something wrong with me? Nothing seems to stick. I feel a flicker, a surge, an overwhelming, but just as soon as it rises, the tide ebbs and flows back into the general void.

Dante wrote "God is not merely a blinding vision of glorious light, but that He is, most of all, the love that moves the sun and the other stars..." Strangely enough, these centuries-old words give me strength. God does not have to be a swooning passion, but He can be (and for most is) the Constant; the steady presence of what Is.

welcome to Thunderdome, bitches

as i begin my foray into the seemingly infinite world of blogging, i feel trepidation. i dont even know what "blogging" means.