Tuesday, January 29, 2008

how do i hate thee, let me count the ways...

dirty dishes
posers/wannabes/scenesters/people that try too hard
women that perpetuate misogynistic views
slow walkers/drivers
jagged nails
people with no concept of personal space
italian soccer
global capitalism
bad food
fashion magazines
peyton manning
professional US sports
teenagers (as a demographic)

Monday, January 28, 2008

Sunday, January 27, 2008

words of wisdom

"try something new. get fucked. rinse. repeat."

joie de vivre

an enthusiasm i usually have. lust, gusto, for life... nothing major or overtly significant. it's more of a "stop and smell the roses" kind of thing. the little pleasures and joys we take for granted on a daily basis: good music, ivy climbing an old brick wall, walking through the park, beautiful flowers, snow flurries, steaming cups of tea, fresh bread... the list goes on and on. i have to remember these things on days i feel like dying.
le petit ecoliers, earl grey, "amelie" soundtrack- how cosmopolitan i feel... even whilst sitting in my fourth floor walkup in beacon hill, wind blowing the light snow in circles outside my window. i want to smile at the silly things and laugh at my private jokes without being beholden to laws of society and all the obligations and rules that entails. i want to live a separate existence where i flow free- "out here on the perimeter..."
tall grass blowing in the warm breeze, sun warm on my back and fingertips, view of the turqoise sea in the distance. i can hear accordions and violins wafting up the hill to my ears. my light polka dot dress dancing around my knees as i run through the grass and dark soil toward the field of sunflowers that stand apart gazing up at the sun...

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

i still can't believe it.

i can't believe Heath Ledger is dead. it really strikes home, someone so young and promising... and out of nowhere death comes.

i watched him on "Roar". i loved that show. his vitality and exuberance and careless good looks.

it makes me really really sad.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008


"Heath Ledger Found Dead in NYC
Jan. 22, 2008, 5:11 PM EST
The Associated Press
NEW YORK -- Heath Ledger was found dead Tuesday at a downtown Manhattan residence, and police said drugs may have been a factor. He was 28. NYPD spokesman Paul Browne said Ledger had an appointment for a massage at the Manhattan apartment believed to be his home. The housekeeper who went to let him know the masseuse had arrived found him dead at 3:26 p.m..."

Title: "My Cast and Me" and other observations...

So, i got my first "real" cast. I feel like I'm 8 years-old :)
Walked the several blocks home from the hospital (after 5 + hours!), limping the whole way. My ankle/foot was pretty spent after PT this morning.
I sat in the hospital cafeteria between doctor appointments and I noticed a woman silently (and joylessly, I might add) going about her work stocking condiments and paper goods at each station. It was upon seeing this that I realized the true tragic heroes of our society are not the rich, famous or genius (nor even the third world downtrodden), but the Joe-Schmoes across the world that go about their jobs on a daily basis with no hope of change or mobility. They will live their lives in the same neighborhood, the same field of work, the same frame of mind... Why does this make them tragic heroes, you ask? Because they do this to live. A bare and primal survival goes into this way of life. No frills, no lavish expenditures... Only needs. Scraping by. They procreate, raise families, and their children live to renew the cycle.
It makes me sad and afraid. How many people like this are out there?
Too many in my opinion. Why don't we all get the chance to dream... to become astronauts? movie stars? athletes?

Friday, January 18, 2008


i am so friggin blah right now. i hate this completely listless and void feeling ("drained dry" would work too).

so much to think about and do and all i want to do is zone out and daydream.


Tuesday, January 15, 2008

yippee ki yay motherf**ker!!!

i can walk!!! praise JESUS!!! seriously, though... my friends' thoughts and prayers have made all the difference and I can feel God's hand on my shoulder. THANK YOU.

Monday, January 7, 2008

will it never end?

"the times they are a-changin" a singer man once sang. well, something is rotten and it ain't in denmark.

i get lulls where i feel distracted, almost content like nothing has happened. then there are the full solar winds of panic and despair that sweep over me with 100 mph winds and shred the flesh off my bones. i can actually see my skeleton hands covering my skeleton cheekbone. call me morbid, but from my point of view, there's no other way for me to feel.

metaphors are all i can conjour, because i have no actual comparison to how i feel. i know i am prone to hyperbole, but it's funny how my emotions back the talk. drowning, burning, falling... it's all the same really. just a different how to the same what.

i hope that (to some small extent even) what i write will help exorcise some of these demons swimmin around inside. the consistent gnawing and panic seem to never end, and i've never realized how powerful they can be. i pray and i ask God to help. just help me keep strong enough to beat them... one day at a time.